


Forgiving Is Hard, But Forgetting Is Even Harder

by TS_RoyalTea



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abusive Deceit | Janus Sanders, Abusive Morality | Patton Sanders, Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Assassination, Breaking and Entering, Cheating, Gang Rape, Gun Violence, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mild Fluff, Murder, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Past Rape/Non-con, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Logic | Logan Sanders, Unsympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Unsympathetic Morality | Patton Sanders, Useless Gays, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:22:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24589771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TS_RoyalTea/pseuds/TS_RoyalTea
Summary: They say to forgive and forget is the best thing to do. It helps heal your soul. But what do you do when you’ve had your soul broken down into millions of insignificant pieces by the same man you’ve tried so hard to forget about?Remus Duke has spent the past 8 months trying his damnest to forget about the abuse he suffered at the hands of his ex, Janus, by fucking out his problems with his brother’s best friend, Logan. Things would’ve been fine had he not caught feelings like the useless gay he is.So the simple solution is for Remus to admit he’s fallen in love and hope Logan feels the same right? Ha. Haha! Oh honey— Logan’s engaged. To Janus’ brother Patton. So Remus has to break it off before he hurts himself even further... what fun this will be.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 12
Kudos: 39





	1. Every Story Needs A Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> This is another fic I’ve collaborated with someone with on Twitter! This time however their @ is @blacknbluebrain and they are so super talented! I adore this with all my heart despite the ache it makes me feel and the amount of tears I’ve already shed :,( I hope you enjoy it as much as we do! And be sure to check out Brain’s Twitter @ and give ‘em plenty of love!

Remus couldn’t fucking handle it anymore! He knew Logan was _undoubtedly_ in love with his fiancé— Patton was his fucking _fiancé_ for fucks sake!  
  
But Remus, and Logan were together. Kind of... It’s hard to explain, alright? But for god’s sake! Why couldn’t Remus just get a handle on his fucking heart and realize that he was nothing more than a side-hoe... he was nothing more to Logan than an outlet for stress and maybe his friend.

Not even his best friend... just some guy they mess around with from time to time because Remus had _stupidly_ offered his body to him in a moment of shared weakness! He hadn’t been able to stop after the first time. Logan was an addiction almost because Remy had fallen in love.

He loved Logan... and so he was okay with keeping his mouth shut so he could enjoy the time that they did get to spend together. But of course Remus had to go and fuck that up too. Eventually his depression got worse, almost too much to handle anymore. His self-harm was harsher than ever— not that Logan ever noticed, because if he did, he never mentioned the burns on Remus’ thighs or the cuts on his hips.

And Remus continued to decline every time he had another ‘self-care session’ with Logan. And soon enough, his brother Roman, told him that if he didn’t end this with Logan, that he’d be forcibly taken to an institution to get helped... Remus knew he needed it... but his heart aches for Logan and only for Logan. He had gotten attached like a baby duck imprinting on the nearest creature.

Despite the awful aching hole Remus felt whenever Logan wasn’t around, he knew there was only one thing to do...

Remus felt awful as he sent the message to Logan, inviting his to the special locked back room of the recording studio and music store that he and his brother ran together. He had worded it so that Logan would be under the pretense that they’d be fucking. But honestly, what else would Logan ever want to be around him for? Okay, but self-depreciation aside, Remus knew this was the only way he’d be able to tell Logan what he meant to say without chickening out.  
And so, as Logan came through the door, Remus strummed his acoustic guitar, took a deep breath and began playing as he tried desperately not to let his tears fall.   
  
“I know I kissed you once  
But now it’s an ‘I love you’  
But it also means I won’t forget about you  
But let’s forget it. I get it! You regret it  
But I wish you  
Could unda’stand for a minute  
That I’ve got too many issues  
I liked you betta’—“ Remus’ breath hitches but he pushes forward.

“—with the lights off  
Cauz then I couldn’t see the end  
So light’cha cigarette and lemme tell ya how ya make my world okay!  
Then let’s ova’dose on whiskey And just _fuck the pain aWAY!_  
For a moment, lyin’ next to you  
Passed out in this backroom  
I thought you could fix my broken pieces but  
You’re in love—“ Remus breaks then. He hiccups on a soft sob continues as tears dream down his cheeks. “In love w-with someone _else_...”   
Remus can’t take another second of the pain in his chest. He set his guitar down to lean against the wall and buries his face in his hands as he cries. He waits painfully for Logan to speak up. To say anything really.


	2. Oof. Just... Just OOF

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not too much angst yet, but we're definitely giving you some foreshadowing and some slight cliffhangers.

Logan was supposed to be in love with Patton, his fiance. Supposed to be... sure. But the truth is: he wasn’t anymore. Ever since that one drunken night when he and Remus had slept together, his feelings for Patton had been waning. Ree was surprisingly sweet and caring that fateful night. He had comforted him regarding a fight he and Patton were having. Logan took full advantage of Remus’ kindness, as much as he's ashamed to admit, he kept taking advantage of it for the next few months. Remus was Logan's someone to run to when he didn't want to be home. He was the someone he could count on for solace, or for a quick release. Soon, they became more than just fuck-buddies, they had become friends, too. Logan had even started to notice the burns and scars appearing in increasing number on Remus' body.

He had meant to ask about them, but he didn’t want to intrude in case they were a private matter. They most likely were, and Logan didn't want to overstep and endanger whatever this thing between them is. It was starting to bother him though.

And interestingly enough, that’s when he realized that somewhere along the line, Logan’s feelings for Remus had grown stronger than he had meant for them. He had honest-to-God fallen in love with Remus. But Logan was a useless gay, and therefore completely unaware that Remus was also in love with him. They both wanted more than just the occasional roll in the sack. Still, Logan came to the studio that day to risk it all, and see if Remus felt the same about him. Earlier that very morning, he had broken off his engagement with Patton, as he couldn’t, in good conscience, keep stringing the poor man along.

It had been his first mistake telling Patton that he was in love with someone else. Logan was trying his best however, and there's no way he could've known what would occur within the next 24 hours.

Unaware of the heartbreak that would occur, Logan arrived at the studio tentatively hopeful. He had been let into the studio by Remus, and he greeted him with a kiss. He was led into the back room where they usually fuck on a beaten up mattress or even the leather couch Roman had forgotten he was storing in the locked room. He was directed to stay standing in front of the closed door, and had to silently listen to Remus' heartbreaking song. Logan was stone still as he watched rivers of tears stream quickly down Remus' cheeks as the dam in Ree’s eyes broke as he finished. And with a heart-wrenching performance like that, Logan couldn’t help but be on the verge of tears himself.

“Remus." He spoke up, his voice thick with tears. "Please— Please don’t cry. I don’t understand! Tell me what’s wrong. Did I do something?” He follows his heart and walks over to him. Logan wrapping his arms around the musician to pull him into a tight and comforting hug.

Remus gasps as a pair of arms suddenly trap him against Logan. It’s the very opposite of what he wants, and thus he instantly began to panic. He pushed at Logan’s chest until the nerdy man let him go. He was still trying to breathe correctly while also crying and shaking his head weakly. “N-N-No! Y-You didn't— _I_ did s-s-somethin’ wrong. A-An it ain’t f-fair ta ei-either of us tha’ I f-feel this way.” Remus bets he looks so fucking stupid to Logan, because said man was clearly concerned about him and for what? Remus panicked over practically nothing. He wasn't being restrained or tied up in any way, he knew Logan would never do something like that to him. But that's what he had felt like.

He had assumed the worst in his current mental state.

Now that he's looking into Logan's soft eyes, its clear that the other didn't have any malintentions towards him. All he wants right now, is one last chance to be close to the man he loves because he knows that Logan doesn't feel the same. He sobs, and quickly loops his arms around the taller man’s neck so he can bury his face into the crook of his collarbone. He cries harshly for a few long moments, while trying to catch his breath and collect all the feelings waging a war inside his chest. Logan is in shock, subconsciously touches the base of his neck where Remus’ face had been pressed and feels the wet tears that have transferred there. He isn't sure what to do, and so he simply lets Remus cry it out. Soon though, Remus is able to speak ‘calmly’— it’s obvious that he’s still incredibly upset, but at least he isn’t interrupting himself with sobs as often.

“I’m so s-sorry, Lo. I c-can’t do this a-anymore. I- I f-fell in love w-with you, but y-you love _Patton_ n-not m- _me_ a-an’ I thought I c-c-could let’cha be ha-happy with him. I- I thought th-tha' tha’ would be e-enough for me, b-but i-it _ain't_! I- I- I’m n-nothin’ more t-ta you than an a-annoyin’ u-ugly body ta help get’cha off— a-an’ I jus’ can’t be tha’ for ya n-no more... We— we shouldn’t— We shouldn’t see e-each otha’ anymore...” Remus pulls away with that soft, pained declaration and looks solemnly at the ground as his fingers begin to subconsciously claw at the flesh on his arms. He thought this was it for him. He thought this was it for the both of them honestly, and so just in case Logan leaves without another word, Remus whispers just loud enough for Logan to hear, “I- I’m sorry.”

Logan takes a few seconds to think, and as he does so he also side-eyes Remus’ arm-scratching and furrows his eyebrows in slight concern. The beginning of a suspicion enters his mind when he remembers the mess of scars and burn marks on Remus' person, but he looks quickly back into Remus’ eyes to focus on the matter at hand. 

“Ree....” Logan sighs then looks down ashamedly. “ _I_ should be the one who’s apologizing to you. I am so, _so_ sorry.” He looks back up with watery, blue eyes. He has so much to say, and the moment he opens his mouth, its as if all of those words had been written in invisible ink, and the light flicks off each and every time he attempts to use his voice. 

“I never, ever once intended to make you feel this way. When all of this first started, I had thought we were just two friends looking for comfort in each other. I was having problems with Patton, as you well know, and you were there for me. I am very grateful for that first time— and all the times after that! But I realize now that it looks as if I was using you.” His head snaps to the side.

He can't take the guilt any longer. The sadness in Remus' eyes is too much for him to bear. He'd never be able to admit that he was wrong if he had to look Remus in the eye while doing it. Not when they both feel so awful. So he turns on his heel like an ROTC officer and starts to pace the width of the room, quickly growing angrier with himself rather than towards Remus “I shouldn’t have assumed. That was unforgivable of me. I was so excited and yet still so very nervous that you asked me here today, because I actually wanted to tell you that I love you, Remus. And I’ve— I've ended things with Patton.” He sighs wearily and stops pacing now that he's in front of Remus again. His shoulders slump forward as he looks down intensely at the tile. “But... I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to end things with me as well.”

Remus’ mind was actually unable to process everything that was going on. At first, Logan looked almost... hurt by the fact that Remus was sobbing so heavily? Remus truly hadn’t thought Logan cared about him at all, considering that Logan treats him so coldly whenever they’re in the presence of anyone else besides the two of them. He knows deep down that it's entirely possible that Logan was simply ashamed of cheating on Patton with Remus, but he didn’t allow himself to dwell on that. He didn't want to give himself false hope and just end up hurting his heart even worse.

As Logan paced, Remus just became more and more confused. It just didn’t make any sense to him that Logan loved him... was he fucking with him? Was Ashton about to kick his door in and shove a camera in his face? But... if he was filming him for some sort of prank TV show... where was Logan's engagement ring?

Remus slowly extended his hand, so he and Logan could gently intertwine their fingers together. Logan looks down at his hand when Remus takes it, breathing a quiet sigh of relief and even smiles a little bit to know that Remus trusts him enough still to seek comfort from him.

Remus exhales shakily and looks up to Logan. His bright green eyes were rimmed in the ugliest shade of red that clashed horribly with his unnaturally pale skin and the dyed silver streak in his hair. Remus was usually so happy and unaffected by the weird looks he received, and Logan had always admired that about him. But now Remus looked so terribly _wrong_ that it was worrying to see that the bruises over his eyes, that were previously assumed to be an odd choice of make-up, hadn’t become smudged in the slightest. The thin purple veins under his eyes popped up and throbbed with every beat of his broken heart. He looked ghostly almost, and Logan was barely able to conceal his flinch when their eyes met. But when Remus starts talking about what their relationship looked like to him all this time, Logan drops his hand in surprise and stares slightly agape at the broken and overwhelmed man in front of him. 

“I don’t unda’stand..." Remus starts off in a raspy whisper. "I thought ya only liked me so y-you could get all those fru-frustrations out, cauz a' Patton an' all tha' like you was tellin’ me. I— You an’ Pat’n seemed so happy ta’getha’ an’ V-Virgil is always braggin’ ta me ‘bout how close you two are— ’s jus’ you... you seem ashamed a' me wheneva’ Ro drags me ta an event w-with you there... You jus’ neva’— I jus’ d-don’ unda’stand. A-An’ I really don’ wan’cha t-ta be trickin’ me...” More tears well up in his eyes, and threaten to fall over the edge and start his sobbing all over again as he whispers, “P-Please... Please don’ play with my feelin’s like tha’...”

Is that... Oh my God. Logan feels nauseous now. Is that really how Logan acted? Did he appear so cold to and ashamed of Remus in front of people? Logan thought about those times Remus would come over and hang out with himself and Roman after they had started their affair. What had happened was him realizing that he truly couldn’t afford to say anything to Remus because he didn’t trust himself not to slip up. Logan's mind was a confusing thing, and despite the fact that he had been engaged to Patton, it was second-nature to call Remus his darling and his love. It felt unnatural only when he spoke those words to Patton, in the privacy of their home or otherwise... perhaps that should've been his first clue. Plus, Logan was more than ashamed of himself for cheating on Pat, even though he had good reason to. He had been told that he had a naturally angry look on his face by different friends, but Logan had heard the term “resting bitch face” from somewhere, and since it fit better, that's what he used whenever he was accused of appearing cold or pissed off for no reason.

It took him a good moment or so of self-reflection before he realized how that must have come across to Ree. It must've looked like he was completely indifferent towards him! On top of the fact that Logan, at the time, had indeed been using him to be rid of his frustrations. Fuck. Fuck! He _was_ cold! And he was heartless, greedy and selfish! Logan, you idiot! You absolute buffoon, he thought. You know what? He's just going to cut the crap and say it. He was a cotton-headed-ninny-muggins! No wonder Remus had such a tough time trusting the truth. Logan nearly broke down sobbing right then and there, but tried to keep it together, if not for his pride, at least for Remus' sake.

“Remus, please, you must believe me when I say that I am not tricking you. I never want to hurt you, ever, ever again. I am so sorry for all the times that I have, and I didn’t realize in the moment that I was. I never wanted to make you feel like I didn’t want you around me! The truth is that... I was ashamed of myself for all the opportunities I had to come clean with Patton about our affair, even right off the bat. And yet every time I would stay silent. I didn’t want to be judged by Roman either, and I didn’t want him to find out. I was a coward, Ree. You were never at fault.” He takes off his glasses, and covers his reddened face with his hands. “As for Virgil, well he didn’t see what went on behind closed doors. He never saw what it was like when Patton and I were alone together. We appeared happy on the outside, with our friends, and in view of the public eye. It was important for Patton's business for us to be the golden couple in a way... but at home, and alone with him, he tore me down nightly. He was demanding and he called me names. He consistently nit-picked every detail of me that dissatisfied him. I was in denial for a long time, and I put up with his behavior because I thought I loved him. And because I had resolved myself as not being worthy enough to deserve anyone else. I realize now how long I had put up with what was in truth, not his way of helping me better as he claimed, but instead was simply verbal abuse.”

Logan exhales shakily, and takes his hands away from his face to look up at Remus, begging for him to recognize that he is being sincere. “And when you offered yourself to me... I jumped at the chance because you actually cared about me, even though I didn’t tell you the full truth. You made me feel like- like I w-was a normal person again. You gave me the confidence I needed to stand up to him and tell him goodbye for- for good.” Tears began to fall down Logan’s face, and his breath caught on his words every so often. Usually, Logan was never a man to bare his troubles out like this. But Logan has been feeding Remus half-truths for months now, and its clear that this had only hurt them both. Remus deserved to hear the truth, no matter how painful it was for Logan to admit. “I’m a-a terrible person for what I p-put you through. I truly do love you, but... y-you deserve someone _better_ than me.” Logan swallows thickly and spins around to quickly flee before the tears he's holding back can fall. 

Remus was unconvinced at first. He had assumed Logan had learned from a certain someone's brother how to break his heart by using those shiny crocodile tears. He forced himself to consciously admit that it was a possibility that all of this was just to make Remus feel bad, and then tell him how wrong he was, then order something else from him.

But... he knew Logan. And Logan wouldn’t make these sort of things up. And it made sense when he really thought about it.

Honestly, it had been one of the first things that had popped into Remus' head... but he had a bad habit of giving people the benefit of the doubt. He believed that all people were good unless proven otherwise, but that has led him to being proven wrong almost constantly. He's learned that its better to expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised rather than expect something better of someone and be let down.

Though when it comes specifically to Logan, it was Patton’s brother, Janus, who is also Remus' ex, who told him that Logan was embarrassed of him. Told him that Logan hated him. Told him that Logan was using him the same way he had been. Remus didn’t know who to trust, but he knew who he _wated_ to trust. And seeing Logan’s tears actually fall from his eyes, just cemented his next choice. He reached out and once again held Logan’s hand— not his wrist, and not his shoulder. His hand.

It may not seem like such a big deal to you, but Remus knew what how it felt to be grabbed when you aren't used to touch. When someone grabs you by the wrist, its terrifying. You're reminded of all the times you've made that person angry, and you get the fear of God put into you. When you're grabbed by your wrist, you're being manhandled and it gives you the impression that you don't exactly have a choice in what happens next. And a shoulder grab? That's practically the poster child for sympathy. When someone grabs you by the shoulder, its only to give you that awkward half-smile and say something like "we can still be friends" or "see you next week, I guess". And neither of those are the message he wants Logan to get from their interaction.

He grabs him by the hand so he knows he's sincere. He grabs his hand so he can hold it gently and prove that he isn't mad. He wants to feel connected to Logan as he answers him, because for all he knows, this moment could be a turning point for the both of them.

“N-No... Logie I didn’t— I didn’t wan’cha ta leave. I— well I mean... I did when ya got here, but only cauz I thought you was forcin’ ya’self t-ta settle for me. I didn’t wan’cha ta go... not really... but Ro said tha’ this was hurtin’ me too much... tha’ if I really loved you, I’d wanna live ta see ya happy ratha’ than dyin’ or something.” Remus looks up into Logan's eyes rather than focusing on their hands. He lets one of them go to gently cup Logan's face and then uses his thumb to brush away some of his tears that had fallen despite the nerd's best efforts. Logan had been silently crying while Remus was speaking, and absorbing his words with some concern. A few things he had said that needed to be addressed, but before he could say anything, Remus was cupping his face and wiping his tears away with such tenderness that he nearly started crying all over again. This is what love is supposed to feel like. It was such a huge difference and an even bigger relief compared to the years he'd spent with Patton. In fact, Patton was just the tip of the iceberg when it came to his family. All of them had a history of aggression, but especially Patton’s brother Janus, who Logan hated with a fiery passion. The man was a monster, and Logan had barely spent any time with him. Only when he had the unfortunate luck of being forced to attend a family gathering.

Both of their eyes are hopeful, but Remus' are still a little afraid. “I don’ wan’cha ta go... an’ I don’ wanna find anyone 'betta’' cauz I don’ think such a person can even exist! J-Jus’ cauz we're both messed up, doesn’t mean we can’t work on it. P-Please don’ leave me, Lo. Lemme— I can— Please don’ go... I- I _love_ you. An’ I wanna h-help ya get betta’. You didn’t deserve wha’ Pat’n put'cha through. An’ it’s not right for you ta punish ya’self for somethin’ you didn’t choose ta have a part in... please... jus’ let us try this?”

Logan gasped softly. Because even in his wildest dreams he didn't imagine today ending up this way, but god did he love it. And right now, all that mattered was that Remus didn’t want Logan to leave. He actually said he loved him! Lo nods at Remus with tears still pricking his eyes, but at least they're no longer slipping down his face. “I want to try. You have no idea how badly I want to try.” He gives him a small smile through the drying tears. “I love you _so_ much, and this makes me _so_ happy.” Logan hugs him again for a short moment, and then let him go so he could hold him at a bit of a distance by his shoulders at arms length so he could admire his beautiful, tear-stained face.

But once again, concern entered his thoughts as he thought about exactly what Remus had said. He frowns slightly down to Remus. “So… so what you're saying is that Roman actually knew about us, and he just never said anything to me?" His frown deepened. “And Ree— sweetheart I’m confused. How did _you_ mess up? What do you mean by ‘I’d want to get to see you happy rather than dying’? You were… why were you… Remus, this is very important. _Please_ tell me the truth.” He looks down at Remus’ body, his eyes locking at his waist. hips and thighs as he remembers the scars he's all but disregarded before. “Remus… please don’t hide this from me. I- I don’t know what you and Roman talked about, but I truthfully and genuinely love you, and I need to know why you felt like our affair was 'hurting you too much', as you said Roman had said. Did— Did something happen?” Logan searches Remus’ face for the truth, honestly afraid of what he's about to hear. He prays he's wrong, because if Remus’ has been self-harming because of him… God, the thought alone was too harsh for Logan’s already overloaded and guilty conscience, as well as his unsettled stomach, to handle.

Remus hugged Logan back, his body arching into the touch desperately. Not in a sexually needy way mind you, but in the 'I’m-touch-starved-and-you’re-the-only-one-I-want-touching-me' kind of way. He felt like the hug was way too short considering that he wanted it to have lasted eternally. But as his past deeds and his struggling psyche were brought up, he paled slowly. By the time Logan was finished asking his questions, Remus was as white as a sheet, quivering slightly, and looking up at him with large, guilty eyes.

He bit his bottom lip and worried it with his teeth as he gently led Logan to the old leather couch they usually fuck on when they’re too horny to walk upstairs to Remus’ apartment. He exhales shakily, never once letting go of Logan’s hands as his thumbs nervously massage circles into his palm to hopefully rid himself of his anxiety. “Well... ‘s not a fun story ta tell...” Despite his discomfort, Remus was determined to voice his explanations and reasons without Logan deducing that it was inevitably his actions that led to Remus' self-harm. But let’s get one thing straight, since neither of our boys are; Logan is _NOT_ to blame for Remus’ choices.

Remus is mentally ill. He has been professionally diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. Remus is the only one who ‘made himself cut’. He feels worthless, and he feels like he isn’t even real sometimes, because he matters so little to himself. And his mental illness twists those feelings of inadequacy and overgeneralizes them to apply to everyone around him. In Remus' mind, he doesn't matter to anyone. And in his mind, nothing would change in the lives of the people he loves if he just stopped existing. And as bad as his coping method is, the pain of fire or his razor blades is usually enough to shock him back into reality. It additionally quenches the burn of his mild touch-starvation.

His choices are his own, but we’ll get to that later. For now—

“I— Okay... If you really wanna know... About two years ago, a couple months a’fore we started this whole frien's-with-benefits thing, I was professionally diagnosed with depression. ‘Parently bein’ in an abusive relationship doesn’t do ya self-esteem much good.” He laughed humorlessly and laced his fingers together with Logan’s, purposefully not looking anywhere near his face. “Roman’s the one who took me ta the psychiatrist... he’s my _brother_ an’ Virgie’s boyfrien' now tha' Jan— err, my ex is Virgil's ex too, he was knows why tha' person we left left us with a lotta mental damage... but, uh, 'parently I was worse than 'im ta get there an' actually be honest... mostly 'cause I didn’t feel like I deserved the help. I didn’t feel like any kind a' medication could help me, so I jus’ uh... I jus' neva’ took it... an’ I guess I thought Roman was doin’ all a’ tha' ta get me off his back an' tha' he jus' wan'ed me ta fuck off... so I got betta’ a’ hidin’ it. I traded mopin’ 'round durin’ the day for- for uh... you know...”

Remus cringed as he realized that he couldn’t even admit to self-harming aloud— even after almost a full year of talking with Dr. Picani, he’s still a useless mess in denial. He sniffed, wiping his eyes with the hand that wasn't holding Logan's, and then continuing his half-assed explanation while looking away from Logan’s face. “I messed up cauz... cauz I—“ because I slept with you. Because you kept coming back and I just couldn’t turn you away. Because I knew I felt used every time you’d leave and every single time you left I wouldn't tell anyone, instead I'd cut and burn while sobbing and begging for the pain on my skin to take away the pain in my head. “Cauz I jus’...” Remus deflated because he knew he couldn’t answer the question in full honestly.

He already felt bad for not telling Logan the full honesty of everything when it came to dealing with his ex. Janus, Patton’s brother. The same Patton who has been dating Logan for about 4 years now. Yeah. There’s definitely more to say there, but he was trying not to reveal that he was telling such an insanely huge lie of omission. But maybe his last line didn’t help matters. “I just messed up Lo... ‘S not somethin’ I’m a'pposed ta be doin’ an’ yet I do it anyway. I hurt you, an’ tha’s not okay.”


	3. Trauma With More Layers Than Roman's ExtraTM Wedding Cake

Logan tried to process everything Remus was telling him with a sympathetic ear, and squeezed his hand when Ree laced his fingers through his. But it tore him up inside that the person he loved most was confessing to fighting a daily battle with depression. Remus was admitting that his depression was causing him to self harm, just without saying it directly. Logan knew he was to blame immediately, at least in part. He also deduced that Remus wasn’t telling him the whole truth, but he wasn’t required to. The way he was vaguely explaining that he messed up and was just 'doing it' didn’t sound like enough cause for something as addicting and destructive as cutting and burning himself on a weekly basis. But he decided not to push him into telling him off, since it was clearly his fault, and instead internalized the guilt. Logan knew this was already hard for Remus to admit to, and he that cause him to decide then and there that the circle of blame needed to stop.

He needed to step up and be strong for Remus, and support him in any way he could. Now that he knew that Remus loved him, hopefully Remus actually believed that Logan honestly loved him back. And if he wasn't? Well... then Logan would just have to be consistent in reminding him. Plus, he knew now to never remain ignorant to Remus’ feelings again. He had been so caught up in his own turmoil during their past er... past flings, that he entirely ignored how Remus must have been feeling knowing that he was helping him cheat on his fiance. He relaxed his face into a look of resolve and pulled Remus into another hug, gently urging his head to lay down on his shoulder so he had free range to play with and stroke Remus' slightly greasy hair. He ignored the way Remus first flinched at his raised hand, and Remus in turn tried his best to hide the guilt he felt from having instinctually assuming Logan would hurt him.

“Ree... I’m okay. I’m not hurt; at least, not anymore. I am so glad you told me all of this. You..." Logan takes a deep breath as he collects his thoughts into carefully worded sentences before continuing with soft affection hidden in his tone. "You are the strongest person I know for carrying this weight with you wherever you go. You are so incredibly strong for fighting against your less than ideal impulses on a daily basis. And I understand why you felt the need to… do what you did, but I hope you can open up to me more about it, and one day you'll hopefully stop completely. Because I love you, Remus. Every inch of your beautiful body and every ounce of your kind and bright soul. I don’t want you hurting yourself. And as much as you probably don't want to hear it, taking medicine will help. I’m saying all this, not as a command for you to follow, but as a plea to take into consideration that I'm be here for you now. I know I messed up and lately I haven't been... but I'm here now. No matter what.”

As Logan spoke, all of the walls Remus had been solidifying for years crumbled at the softness inside Logan's voice, and hearing that he would be there for him broke the last of his still standing defenses down. Remus began to cry silently and held Logan tightly as if he was terrified he’d vanish if he let go. Remus really took some time relaxing in Logan's arms as he let his words sink in, and only then did he speak up. “I... I wanna try." His voice was still a little wavery, but you can tell he meant it. "I w-wanna try ta get betta’ with you here. Try takin’ my me-medicine an’ try ta not cut so of'en. I know ’s wrong— I’m n-not _dumb_. It’s jus’... It feels so much betta’ if my skin is hurtin' cauz' it blocks out all the noise my head makes, an' if I'm not hurtin' than I gotta listen to everythin' an’ it makes me feel so... so... worthless. I’m sorry Lo... tha’ I- I have all these problems.” He sniffled, but hearing Logan confess once more that he loved him, began to convince him that maybe Logan _wasn’t_ burdened by his problems.

And it was actually quite the opposite. Logan was _inspired_ by Remus' resilience and ability to smile through it all. Regardless of that though, Logan thought they were finished for the moment,because unless Remus offered anymore information up on his own, Logan would continue to pet Remus’ hair in an attempt to soothe him. He was very wrong however, because not even a minute later, he felt an intense wave of nausea suddenly hit him as a light bulb lit up inside his brain. His hands froze like a robot malfunctioning, and his lazy smile hardened into a firm line, and he spoke up about his realization in an even tone to be sure Remus knew he wasn't the cause of his thinly veiled anger.  
“Remus." He started slowly, but it still made his damaged Duke flinch. "When you were explaining how your depression started, did you say that the one who left you with it was your ex? And that your ex was Janus?" 

Remus had let the soft hitching of his breath to trail off as Logan's long, dexterous fingers combed through his hair. And he let go, of what he thought was the last of his tears, fall onto Logan’s collared shirt and get soaked up in the strangely soft fabric. But once again, his heart pounded as he froze and became petrified at Logan’s tone. “Y-Y-Yes— I- J- Janus- he- is- is tha’ ba-bad?” Did Logan hate him now? Did Janus lie to him and now he was going to leave him all alone again? His eyes pricked wih tears again as his shoulders hunched and he waited to be told off.

But of course, that wouldn't happen. Remus has been traumatized and he assumed the worst because the worst has happened before. So in his mind, why wouldn't it happen again? In all actuality, Logan was ten times the man Janus has ever been, and Logan wouldn't ever dream to do the things Jnaus has already done multiple times.

Hell, even the name Janus had a tendency to set Logan’s mind on edge, even if it wasn’t being used to refer to Patton’s brother. Janus. The man was a complete tool. Dating and having been engaged to Patton for many years, Logan had witnessed first-hand what a real scum of the Earth was. Janus was a smooth talker, a dangerous wolf in glittery sheep’s clothing. Logan had seen what he did to Virgil, and he even began to understand why Virgil seemed to envy his and Patton's relationship. Janus was the type of man that made mistakes, that shouldn't be forgiven because of how frequently occurred, but somehow was bale to convince you that you were the one who had wronged him. Vigil's anxiety hadn't been as bad as it was with Janus since he was 14 and not on any kind of medication yet. Janus made the poor gothic man regret making any kind of decision for himself, and still made it appear to those with less of an inside view that Virgil was truly luckily to be tolerated by a man of Janus' status.

We're skipping over the part where Logan never told Virgil that his relationship with the other brother wasn’t very good either, for now. 

Truly, the amount of sly manipulation that Janus used like a baker used flour, would make even an intellectual genius feel stupid. And since Logan had seen firsthand how just two months with Janus had turned a snarky, sarcastic but sweet man into a pitiful, self-deprecating boy with visible veins in the black bags beneath his eyes, he didn't hesitate to believe Remus where others haven't simply because of Janus' charming reputation. God... Logan couldn’t even begin to imagine what that demon must have done to Remus that caused this spiral of self-hatred and self-destruction. 

The more he thought about it, the more he dreaded finding out what Janus had put Remus through. And Logan didn't even know how long! How many months had Remus been stuck in a cycle of unseen abuse before he had been strong enough to break free? Did Remus still blame himself? Because that’s exactly how Janus operated. He’d make you think his bullshit decisions were all your ideas and therefore entirely your fault, and then punish you for his mistakes. It was sociopathic to the nth degree and Logan couldn’t do, or say, anything at the time when he watched Virgil's mental health deteriorate because of Patton’s undying love and respect for his older brother.

All this was on his mind, but Logan wanted to focus on Remus' mindset first and snapped himself out of his loathing for the notoriously-gloved man. He listened to Remus' stuttered and half-intelligible babbles for forgiveness through his hug and Remus' tears. He felt an almost undeniably strong urge to protect Remus to the end of their days. But he knew the damage was already done. Today wasn't about Logan appeasing the hole in his heart that sucked out all of his happiness whenever he recalled Remus' trauma. Right now was for learning what Remus needed to help build himself up again. 

“Ree, baby, I don’t think you’re dumb at all. I understand why you felt you needed the pain, and I don't fault you for using the only coping method you had. I’m glad you want to get better, but just know that I have no expectations of you. Recovery is a journey, not a destination. There is no time limit. We have until forever... And like I said, you’re strong. But on the days you don’t feel strong, please, let me be strong for both of us.” He sighed softly as Remus terrified eyes only lessened slightly. “Babe, I’m sorry I got upset just now. I wasn't upset with _you_. It's more... I know what Janus is like. He is Patton’s brother, after all. I've seen the less than acceptable ways he's treated people. But I don't expect to know what you went through. It was like everywhere he went he was a different person; at family gatherings, at socials, at his office, at home, and especially how he treated Virgil when they were dating. I've even been on the receiving end of his bullshit a few times, but I knew enough by the point to see right through his lies and god-awful attempts at manipulation. I tried distancing myself from him, and at the time I was already dealing with Patton so I really didn’t have the time to let him get under my skin too. I’m concerned because... if you went through anything similar to Virgil, I know... never mind. My point is that it’s not irritating of upsetting to me that you dated him, it's only that I know what he’s like and if you had to deal with him for any amount of time, then I feel awful. I just… I just need you to feel like you can tell me anything, okay? Especially if it’ll help lift a weight off of you. I promise I can take it.”

Remus was relatively convinced Logan was telling the truth, mostly because Logan spoke so factually. They weren’t grand, generous gestures that were really only thinly-veiled lies and hopeless expectations that would never be reached; Logan told him things the way they were. Logan couldn’t tell him the future and Logan couldn’t fix the past, and Logan didn't try to promise Remus any of that. He was promised exactly what he wanted, exactly what he needed, and absolutely nothing more.

Logan. He was that... that someone to lay with, cry with, and talk to without doubting his stories or telling him he must’ve made them up or that’s he hallucinated them because he's delusional. Remus’ bottom lip wobbled as he held Logan tighter and climbed into his lap to really feel safe from the world. “I feel... I feel _safe_ with you here, Logie. You make me feel so much betta’ than I've felt in months. S-So the least I can do is trust ya enough t-ta let’cha know wha’cha dealn’ with... There’s so- ha-" Remus barked out a nervous laugh as he fidgeted with his hands. "There's so much i- it’s hard ta know wh-where ta begin... but I know wha’ hurts the most. I know wh-wha’ part a' the things he did ta me tha' have stuck a-an’ tha’ I think of e-every day.” He spoke with increasing hatred and frustration filling every word, and found himself gently playing with the bottom of Logan’s untucked shirt so he could focus on the way the professional but comfortable fabric molded around his fingers rather than focus on the bursts of painful images and video-ques memories that tried to force their way to the forefront of his mind as he spoke. “He— Janus is a pathological liar. I- I knew tha’ when I met him an’ yet I believed him every time h-he’d tell me he wouldn't lie ta me. He’d go out f-for _weeks on end_ , partyin’ at otha’ colleges an’ sleepin’ 'round with who the fucks knows how many people. He used to t-tell me he’d send me gifts in the mail, an’ tha’ obviously the postal service jus’ was behind until he came back months lata’ not havin’ talked ta me in ova’ four weeks when nothin' eva' came... he had neva’ once sent me anythin’. He told me tha' once when he was dr-dru-drunk."

Remus struggles to get the word out, feeling a bit green at the thought of alcohol. "An' he used ta- used ta get so _angry_ a-an’ loud when I a-asked him too many questions. B-But every time I’d a-ask him about wh-what he said afta' the fact, h-he’d tell me he was at the office a-an’ tha’ e- _everyone_ knows he doesn’t drink! H-He’d t-tell m-m-me tha' I w-was _crazy_. But I’m not crazy! I’m not! H-He m-made me b-buy medicine th-tha’ m-made m-me d-do stuff for him a-an-an' a-agree ta everythin’ h-he said when I started th-thinkin’ 'bout leavin’ him th-the firs’ time. It was so _scary_ , Lolo. I- I knew wha’ was g-goin’ on c-cauz I wasn't asleep, a-an' I f-felt _everything_. I- I- No matta’ h-how many times I s-said no he’d tell me ‘yes’ a-an’ I couldn’t st-stop it! I even- I even got a-arrested two years ago f-for stealin’ stuff f-f-for him a-an’ h-he _lied_ a-an’ said it w-was all m-my idea!” Remus breath had been forcing him to repeat syllables and words all throughout his story, and now his hands shook fiercely before he forced himself to remember those two sessions of therapy Roman forced him to attend, and took a deep breath. He repeated his conscious breathing a few times before he was able to continue, this time making himself go much slower so he wouldn't dissolve into a panic. “I guess the rest is pretty nor-normal. He h-hit me a lot but only cauz- cauz I deserved it. He w-was really sweet when I beha-behaved an’ when I wasn’t dumb!” He said in Janus' defense. Because Remus truly believed that physical punishment is appropriate behavior in a healthy relationship. He just assumes that how things work due to him being fed so many lies by Janus nearly constantly. 

“He said... He said a lotta the things tha' the mean voice in my head repeats wh-when things get too much. O-once— He once—“ Remus shuddered and shook his head. “‘M not— I can’t t-talk ‘bout th-tha'. Not yet. P-Please—?” Remus asked softly, his hands clutching Logan’s shirt like he was about to fall off a cliff’s edge.

Logan held Remus close when he crawled into his lap and nodded along to his words at first. But when Remus started to tell him about Janus, all he could do was sit frozen in place and stare at the top of Remus' head in horror. His eyes grew wider with every admission coming from Remus' lips. And his poor stuttering got more and more intense with his fear, and it made Logan's chest physically ache to see his love appear so broken. But something else broke too, and it was a barrier in Logan’s mind. When Ree mentioned being force-fed medicine to keep him complacent and agreeable, Logan just about lost his temper right then. He tried to hide it by setting his jaw and clearing his face of all emotion in order to let Remus finish his story, but it seemed that the medicine wasn’t even the worst part. He got _arrested_ because of Janus. The bastard had hit Remus on the regular, made him believe he deserved it even and told him he was worthless. There was also apparently something that Remus couldn’t tell him because it was just that painful to recall and part of Logan didn’t even want to ask, but the other half of him knew that he might have to, when Remus was ready of course.

Logan pulled Remus, still clutching his shirt, into another tight embrace. Once again he gently brought Remus' head down on his shoulder and started rubbing his back this time like one might do to a cat. He did this mostly so Remus wouldn’t be able to see his face, as he could no longer contain his rage and he didn’t want to frighten Remus or cause him to think that this new information changed his perspective of the mustached man in any way.

He attempted to speak as evenly as he could, “Thank you for telling me all of this. I know how hard that must have been for you to share with me. You can always trust me when you need someone to talk with or to vent to, and I’ll always listen. But..." Logan takes a deep breath to fight of the growl waiting to rip free of his throat. "Remus, what you just told me goes beyond what I thought that... _he_ was capable of. And yet, nothing you've said has remotely surprised me. I don’t believe Virgil had it this bad, but now I’m starting to wonder if he did... My point being is that you mustn’t blame yourself for any of this. Listen to me Remus." He said with sternness solidifying his sentences into something Remus couldn't help but to truly take into consideration. "You did _not_ deserve _any_ sort of the abuse he put you through, you hear me? There is absolutely no scenario in the very matrix of the world that would justify a person to hit their supposed lovers with any intention of malice. You are not dumb. You are not weak. That man... Janus has _manipulated_ _you_ to feel like this and to blame yourself in this way. And unfortunately... I realize that having me say this doesn't mean that you'll believe me. I know that this change won’t be immediate. But I’ll tell you every day how worthy you are of being loved and being treated with respect. You’re a beautiful, caring soul and things are going to change for the better soon... I promise." 

Logan was completely serious as he said this, and seemed to steady his facial expressions and his voice by this point. He took a deep breath in through his nose and let Remus sit up to look him in the eyes again. “But first, I want you to tell me what you want me to do about him.”

Remus had been close to a panic attack by the time he was done telling his tales of trauma. He was absolutely terrified that Janus would burst through the door and pinch his jaw so he was forced to open his mouth. He'd shove another pill into his mouth and hold his hand over his mouth and nose so he couldn't breathe unless he swallowed it. He had been terrified that none of this was real and that he was dreaming again. His terror reasoned that maybe this _was_ real but Logan was just in on this now— what if Janus found out from Patton where he lives and he was on his way to hurt him again? Remus was dangerously close to hyperventilating but then Logan spoke up. And by being pressed closer to Logan helped for two reasons. One was because Janus had been the type to shove him away and sneer in disgust and anger anytime Remus got tears or snot on his clothes; and the other was because here he could hear Logan's steady heartbeat with his ear pressed to his steadily rising an deflating chest. His heartbeat gave him something to focus on and to ground him in reality. 

He couldn't fight off his smile when Logan let him hug him tightly even though he was still trembling in fear; Janus had also hated it whenever Remus couldn’t keep still due to his ADHD or any other reason honestly. Remus wasn't autistic, but he had heard the phrase 'quiet hands' many, many times in the past. And that phrase had the same detrimental effect on him that it does on others. There was nothing wrong with his constant movement, but Janus had conditioned him to fear coping with easy, healthy methods like stimming. And yet here was Logan, gently touching his back through his shirt and letting his rock back and forth too fight off a panic attack.

Logan also wasn't forcing him to take off his shirt or trying to fix his mental stress by kissing him, or more truthfully forcing Remus to kiss him. It made Remus relax slowly but surely as Logan spoke... and unfortunately his genius was right. Remus couldn’t fully believe the things Logan said. He felt like it was one of those declarations that was true in the moment, but was quickly forgotten whenever Remus messes up next— that happened a lot with Janus. Remus found that he always ruined the good things he received. There were many promises from Janus that he wouldn't ever want to hurt Remus, and then when Remus would forget something simple and fuck up by maybe serving Janus steak cooked well-done instead of medium-rare like he preferred, Janus would have to punish him and punch him. He said he didn't _want_ to, but how else would Remus learn to stop being so fucking useless?

That’s why in the courtroom during the closed abuse case, when Janus would tell the judge that he never hit Remus with any ill intent it was a true statement to Remus. After all, in Remus' eyes, Janus only slapped him or kicked him when he did things wrong, which of course is defined as anything that Janus didn’t approve of. And if Janus changed his mind silently on the rules, it was Remus’ fault because Janus claimed he always told him! Remus was just... crazy a-and too dumb t-to remember...   
Remus whispered his apologies into Logan’s tear-stained polo, but they were so quiet that Remus himself could barely hear them, and he was the one saying it all! He truly hadn’t wanted to be pulled away from Logan because he smelt like ink and subtle cologne, and he made all the screaming in Remus' head slowly quiet down until he could think again.

He wanted to tell Logan he still needed aa few mnutes to feel okay, but he wasn’t going to start disobeying Logan now; not when he was so close to getting Logan to stay with him for at least the night. If he could just keep behaving and doing everything the way Logan wants him to every day, then he won’t have any reason to leave him, right? Right?!  
Remus looked up at Logan with his red-rimmed and yet still brilliantly green eyes that were filled to the brim with an emotion Remus hasn’t felt in a long time. There was happiness, hope and love filling every feature of Remus’ face. Logan was his saving grace and he literally couldn’t ask for anyone better. 

He scrunched his nose up like a kitten having been booped when Logan asked his question though. “Wha’—? I don’ unda’stand. ‘M sorry.” Remus was quick to add in his mandatory apology for being dumb; those rules were enforced in his head a long, long time ago. “Wha’ is there ta do ‘bout J- him? There’s... there’s nothin' we _can_ do, Lolo. I- I’ve tried b-but the court won’t even give me a restrainin' orda’. He- He’s a _lawyer_ , there’s not anythin’ we can do ta stop him...”

If there was nothing else Logan loved about himself anymore thanks to Patton, the one thing that mattered to him was his quick, sharp mind. He was a legitimate genius, but he actually tried to use his brain for good. The laboratory he works at develops new environmentally-conscious technologies and human-made, nature-safe fertilizers for agricultural industries to hopefully produce more food per season for the world as a whole, and especially help farming in poorer, third-world countries. It didn’t pay a lot, he definitely could've made a helluva lot more money in another area of technology, almost _any other_ area, but it was honest and helpful. While most people found it boring, Logan loved it.

Apart from Remus, his job was his only safe haven away from Patton and the rest of his family. He naively used to think he was doing well for himself considering his industry of work, but no. Ever since he started planning to separate from Patton, he's come to the realization all the money and power was on Patton’s side of the relationship. His family was full of old money, stocks and bonds in almost everything, shareholders for numerous different companies, and they had the means to say an follow through on almost anything they wanted without consequence. It was no surprise to Logan that Janus and Patton had had the best schooling money could buy. As a result, Janus became an influential lawyer and political figure, and Patton had thrown himself into banking. They were both good at their jobs and made double the money of the top workers of their careers. The two of them both had considerable wealth.

And just their family itself had a lot of enemies. Patton would often regale Logan about his complex family history after a few drinks and a long day of work. Logan, even when he hadn't seen the truth of Patton's behaviors, would pay explicit attention to these stories and make mental notes on the family drama to be sure he always sided with the right people. Which, as you can imagine, was hard when the family in question was always arguing with each other. 

However, the most prominent memory in his mind right now, wasn't one that you would expect. Logan himself didn't even quite understand his reasoning. But one fateful night, Patton came home drunk off his nut. Logan was honestly quite frightened but he listened carefully as Patton rambled about making 'a deal' with someone and annoyingly having to pay them ‘under the table’. When Logan asked to try to make sense of his words between hiccups and loud belches, Patton swore at him using someone else's name and promptly walked into their bedroom and slammed the door shut. 

The following afternoon in the news, Logan caught word of the person Patton had named. That man was in the news because he was dead. Apparently he had committed suicide by drinking almost an entire half gallon of bleach. Logan’s eyes widened and as much as it terrified him in the moment, he still secretly checked Patton’s last few contacts on his personal cell phone while he was in the shower that night. He scribbled down a few numbers and called them after Patton had well and truly passed out for the night. 

At first he was relieved that almost all the numbers connected to banks and insurance firms and such, but then one answered with a terse, "It’s done. Check the news.” Logan was hung up on quickly, but he honestly would've done the same if the person on the other end hadn't. He then saved the contact information in his own phone under 'News Reporter' and forced himself to never think of it again. The police never suspected Patton of all men, and they never once came around any f his properties to ask questions. Logan had called all six banks and both of Patton's other houses to be sure of that.

That had been over a year ago.

Logan looked down at Remus and caressed his cheek gently. He was still very and righteously angry at what he's heard from Remus, but he remained as calm as he could as he spoke to him. “Ree, baby... I’m not talking about a restraining order. If you want _me_ to do something about _him_ , I _will_ do something. No questions asked. He won’t ever come around here or bother you ever again. You’ll be able to let your mind rest. If you ask me, I'll do this for you. I love you so much and I will not let him get away with treating you like he has. I promise you that he will _never_ bother you again. You just have to say the word.” He stared into Remus' beautiful and expressive green eyes with his own blue eyes hardened with resolve and determination making them gleam in the dim light of the evening sun shining through the window of Remus' apartment.

Remus wasn't naive, but he also didn’t quite understand what Logan meant. Because in all actuality, Janus didn’t believe Remus to be worth his time to rant to him about work. And while Remus knew Janus has done some pretty bad things on occasion, he never knew, or wanted to find out, any specifics about the underhanded things Janus participated in. The world was scary enough having to deal with him for the two years that he did. And he was terrified enough of what Janus was capable of.

Remus was childish in many ways because he was forced to grow up, and yet stay ignorant in so many different things. Gore and sex was his every day life for two years and so he knew those things well. He'd experienced real horror and terror, so he knew what would make your heart race and your skin crawl unpleasantly. But he didn’t know how to run his own business; he had to partner with his brother to get by. He didn’t know how a real relationship worked. He didn’t know about family love that didn’t come from Roman because his despised him for leaving Janus and for lying about how the snake of a man had treated him. He couldn't grasp the concepts about racism, sexism, homophobia, and all of those things because he viewed himself as the lesser person out of everyone else. _Everyone_ was better than him despite the fact he was a cis, white male in the work force with his own business, because his mother raised him with such low self-esteem and Janus had only cemented his self-view. 

He also couldn’t decipher what Logan meant— but he knew he trusted his nerd. And if Logan could make things better, and make it so he wouldn’t have to compulsively check the locks on his doors and windows three times over before he felt safe enough to go to bed, then he’d appreciate the favor for forever. He looked into Logan crystalline eyes and he nodded. “P-Please. I don’ wanna be scared a’ him no more. I jus’ w-wanna be with you. An’ be safe. Wh-Wha’eva’ ya gotta do... jus’ please don’ leave me ta’night.” Remus shifted a bit in Logan’s lap so he could kiss the other side of Logan’s cheek and press his ear to hear Logan’s heartbeat again. “I jus’ wan’ us ta be safe ta’night. N-No worryin’, no J-J-Janus, no s-sex either p-please— I jus’ wan-wanna be safe with you an’ eat dinna’ an’ have y-ya hold m-me an’ sleep w-withou’ any nightmares... Is- Is tha’ okay?”

Logan nodded as Remus kissed his cheek and laid his head on his chest. “You’ll have nothing to worry about ever again. I’ll make sure of it.” He was firm on that decision and his mind was already preparing for what he knew he needed to do. Logan kisses his forehead and shifted Remus off his lap for the time being. “I just need to make a quick phone call in the other room. I’m going to ask that you let me do it in private. I’ll need just ten minutes or so. And then we can do anything you want. I’ll stay all night, of course I will. I have no plans to go anywhere soon anyway. Right now I’m staying at a hotel but I will cancel the room if you want me to stay with you.” 

Logan gets up and turns to touch Remus’ face with tenderness. “Baby, you won’t be scared anymore. Janus won’t bother you ever again, I swear it. And we don’t need to have sex until you’re ready; even if you’re never ready and you never want to, that’s okay. Please don’t look at me like you don’t believe me. I love you so much, and that means that any pain and fear you’re experiencing needs to be dealt with before we try having sex with each other again. I want you to be comfortable with me and I need you to trust me and believe that I would never do anything to hurt you. You’re the most important person in the world to me, Ree. And it’s time I started proving it.” He leaned in and gave Remus a sweet kiss on the cheek. “Why don’t you order some dinner delivery for us in the meantime? Whatever you want to eat, I’ll be fine with.” He provides Remus a distraction so that hopefully Remus' intrusive thoughts won't affect him too much whilst he's gone. Logan knows that leaving right after Remus has sort of relived his trauma by sharing it isn't the most ideal option, but this is something he needs t do now before he loses his edge.

So he takes his phone out of his pocket and leaves, going into the empty recording room and closing the door behind him.

Remus didn’t quite believe Logan, because saying he’ll respect his wishes when he wasn’t in a sexual state was one thing; but once Logan got hard it would be Remus’ fault since he was his boyfriend now and it would be Remus' job to take care of it then... right? Remus has learned from experience that that is true, and it’ll take a real-life instance in which Logan doesn’t force him into something like that for him to really believe him. But he appreciates the sentiment at the very least. It meant Logan was trying! And that was a lot more than he had been doing before. Remus still is a little thrown by the events of the day, because when Logan came over an hour and a half ago, Remus thought he was ending their relationship and letting go of any chance to see Logan ever again. But then Logan somehow gets him to open up and they're boyfriends now, when Remus had thought for certain that Logan only liked him as a stress outlet and barely tolerated him on any other occasion. And so it was just another loop when Logan slipped away from the couch and out of the room. Remus was trembling like crazy. 

He had three clear choices. One, go follow Logan and listen to what he was doing. Two, get up, go to his bedroom so he wouldn’t be eavesdropping and order some fast food from DoorSprint order to his apartment above his business. Three, stay right there and order some food online rather than the phone, and if he just so happens to hear Logan’s conversation, then it wasn’t his fault. 

Well... 

Okay, so obviously the first one was out. Remus was much too terrified of everyone to disobey a direct order. Even though Logan had technically asked for privacy and not demanded it, Remus knew that he hadn’t really been asking. Remus didn’t have the metaphorical balls to take even a single step closer to the door Logan had stepped out of. But if he headed upstairs... there was a ventilation shaft he could listen through... or maybe... maybe this is what a relationship is supposed to be like? Maybe this was a test? Maybe Logan was making a fake call to see if Remus would listen, hear something insanely crazy, and then flip out over something that wasn’t even real?

In a way, it was fair. Remus was asking so much of Logan. He desired his company, he craved his love, he needed the security and safety Logan provided. All Logan had asked of him so far was to be honest, which Remus had been when he told him everything Janus had done that he could handle sharing, and to give him some privacy for this one phone call. Logan was even letting him choose dinner! Logan said he didn’t care what they ate, so there wasn’t a wrong answer! Remus was excited and even though he felt really scared without Logan in the room anymore, he knew that this just _had_ to be a test. All of the self-control he's ever learned over his entire life was needed in this moment. 

Remus took a deep breath, and ignored the ever many burning curiosities that demanded his legs to carry himself near the door Logan went out of and press his ear to the door. Instead, he went out to the front of the shop and to the front door and locked it. Then tugged on the handle twice with all his weight behind it to be sure it was actually locked. He did this to the two windows that allowed passersby to peer into the Duke and Prince Music Store and Lessons. After that he dusted off the display guitars and one drum set briefly with a well-worn rag. He then locked the back entrance to his shop, double checked that and slid the deadbolt over since it was Saturday and Sunday the store was closed. He walked right past the recording studio where Logan was on the phone and quickly ran up the stairs as quietly as he could after snatching his own phone off the couch in the back room where he and Logan had been before. All he heard was Logan’s serene voice answer, “Yes I understand the price, that won’t be an issue.” And Remus quickly kept going upstairs to his apartment. He locked every window and room like he always did when returning home for the night, except for the door that Logan would need to walk through to get upstairs from the store and the door leading into the kitchen from the closed off stairwell. He reluctantly left the one that opened to the porch unlocked since that's where the food would walk up the exposed set of stairs outside and knock on the front door connecting to his living room. 

When Remus felt satisfied and as safe as he could be alone, he flopped onto the large loveseat in front of his TV, turned on some random HBO gameshow for background noise, and shakily entered his order into the UferEafs app. His tongue poked out of the side of his mouth as he attempted to budget before deciding fuck it. He ordered a tub of vanilla ice cream with a bag of peanut and regular MnMs, and he also ordered Chinese Food. If Logan was going to splurge on whoever he was paying downstairs, then Remus could spend a bit more cash tonight than he ought to for the two of them to eat well. 

Three Spring rolls, two orders of crab ragoons, one full bowl of sweet and sour sauce, one small bowl of tofu soup, an order of teriyaki chicken with brown rice, and then an order of his favorite orange chicken and egg noodles later, he felt satisfied with his choice. He approved his debit card information and set his phone face down on the table with a small frown. And after a moment's pause e flipped his phone over so the locked screen could be swiped away to reveal his order ticket and receipt easily. He assumed Logan would want to approve of his choice once he got back and didn't ant to inconvenience the sweet nerd. 

He snatched his Invader Zim blanket off from the back of the couch and snuggled up in it to hopefully replicate the feeling of Logan’s warmth around him when he held held him in such firm and loving embraces before, and stayed like that until he came back.

Sixteen minutes later, Logan finally was able to hang up the phone and let his arm relax and drop down to hang limp by his side. It was done. It was _actually_ done, and Logan had done it. He had taken so long because after the first call had ended, he allowed himself a moment to contemplate his actions. And when he realized he needed to make another phone call, he did so thinking it would be quick and easy. He aimed to cancel his room reservation and have that be that, but apparently the hotel he was staying at charged penalties for cancellations. He chuckled mirthlessly to himself about it as he recalled the attendant's snobby tone and horrid customer service she eluded. Really, what was another $150 for a room he wouldn't even use on top of the $40,000 he had just spent? 

Logan shook his head in silent disapproval and reminded himself that despite how bad it looked, the sudden drop in his savings was more than worth it. He told the nameless man, code name ‘Cutter’, that the price wouldn’t be an issue, but he knew deep down that most of his savings from the past decade were now gone, and he still needed to find himself a new apartment. He was unsure what he would do now, but maybe Remus would let him live with him? They were boyfriends now, and have been kinda on and off for 6 months at this point, but Logan didn’t want to push it. As much as he wanted to be with Remus, always and forever, his boyfriend's depression, anxiety, and inability to fully trust him was holding him back. For Remus' sake, asking to move in with him wasn’t the best thing right now. Logan would hate himself if Remus said yes only because he had been afraid to tell Logan 'no'. Maybe he could go back and live with his parents temporarily? Fuck. Even the idea of begging his parents for help and giving them this to hold over him made his head hurt.

Logan pocketed his phone and left the recording booth. Seeing that Remus was no longer there, he made his way upstairs as he had done many times before to go inside his small second floor apartment. Logan’s mind flipped and made him dizzy with his doubts and fears on the walk upstairs. He had told 'Cutter' that he had gotten his number from a former contract, but hadn’t said who.

Logan told him who the was target and when he wanted the job done, and the two of them had debated prices. Logan wasn't about to trust an assassin's word, so he had agreed to forward half the money now, and the other half of the money would be transferred once the job was completed and Logan had proof of it. Even though he didn't give out his real name, he still worried. Would the crime be traced back to him? Would he spend the rest of his life in prison? Could the police, as over-funded as it is, even trace the murder back to him when he played no physical part in the death of Janus?

God... And this is exactly why he didn’t want Remus to know the details. While Logan didn’t ask how it would be done, if it ever _did_ get back to him he wanted to protect Remus by allowing him to have deniability, and the best case scenario of getting caught would have Logan going down for the crime alone. 

Logan scoffed at himself as he thought this, but a small smile still found its way onto his lips. He must really be in love with Remus because he knows damn well he would've never done this for Patton. He would have never resorted to m—mur— Fuck. He couldn’t even let his mind think the word. Patton would have been the one doing evil, and as sad as it was to admit, he would've been the one to do the things his brother had. He was far too wealthy for something as horrible as that to have been done to him, because that's just how capitalism worked. But at least Logan wasn’t as bad as Janus...?

He was only doing this to avenge Remus, and of course to grant him peace of mind. By getting rid of Janus, he provided Remus a safety he's never felt since his relationship with the soon-to-be-dead bastard ended. And to think... Logan thought he had known what love was like while having been engaged to Patton, but love truly was another level entirely.

Logan shook his head to clear his thoughts, and perhaps the small bit of guilt lying underneath a rock he refused to look under, before he opened the door and entered the small living room where Remus was snuggled up under the blanket on the couch. 

He sat down next to the shivering lump, assuming he was covered because he was cold, and thus the tremors, and put on his best neutral face. “Okay, it’s all done, babe. Janus won’t be bothering you anymore. You can breathe easy now.” Logan took a deep breath and stroked Remus' hair that peeked out from underneath the blanket, noting that he didn't respond much. He changed the subject and his tone lightened, trying to get Remus’ mind to do the same. “Did you order dinner? What are we having tonight, Ree?"  
Remus was shivering underneath his blanket not because he was cold, but because he had been scared that Logan wasn’t going to come back. Every second he had been gone led to wilder and crazier conspiracy theories. What if Logan was unlocking all the doors downstairs so Janus could find him? Logan _had_ been engaged to Patton, and Patton was that evil man’s evil brother. It made sense, kinda. But the possibilities were too much for him to handle and Remus eventually had to close his eyes.

His mind had convinced him to do so so he wouldn’t have to see his attacker before he died. Those minutes Logan spent downstairs were spent letting himself remember the good moments with Logan and the love he had shared with him before his brains were splattered across his couch like a can of busted expired tomato sauce.   
He cursed himself for jumping when he heard the door handle turn, then close without the click of a lock. It made Remus terrified and he wanted so badly to get up and lock the door but by the time he worked up the courage say anything, the couch sunk next to him.

The relief that came with Logan’s words wasn’t immediate... he didn’t really believe him to be honest. He still had no idea what Logan had done, so really how was he meant to trust that Janus wouln't find a way around whatever security measure Logan ordered to make him feel safer?

He was dying to let his paranoid thoughts out, so hopefully Logan would reassure him. Logan was rarely ever wrong, in fact the chances of him being wrong were infinitesimal. But when his face was stroked and his wide green eyes opened to take in the semi-forced smile on Logan’s face, he knew that right now wasn’t the time to ask what he had done and how high the security at the prison Janus was being sent to was. 

He just nodded along and crawled into his boyfriend’s lap. His arms wrapped around the dork’s waist and his face buried back into his chest so he could mumble, “Chinese... the orda’s on my phone...” He moved his arm only to pick his phone up and place it in Logan’s hand. 

But the moment Logan unlocks the phone screen, Remus is blurting out the worries he swore he'd keep quiet before he can shut his trap fast enough. “I love you— I love you _so much_ you know? But y-ya promise you won’ leave me? Like... eva’? If ya wan'?” He sits up so he can see Logan's facial expressions and began twisting the rings on his fingers so he could avoid scratching up his arms again.

“I- I know m-my place is small but if you were rentin’ a hotel, then you can jus’ stay here! I’ll- I’ll be really good, I promise! I’ll clean up every day an' cook wh-wheneva' ya wan' me to. An' I promise I’ll let'cha take me ta bed wheneva' ya wan' an' I won’ fight. Please? Please don’ go?” Remus asks with watery eyes.

Logan saw the new fear that had overcome Remus, and tried his best to soothe him. When he wriggled his way onto his lap, Logan was patient and started rubbing his back tenderly once again. He leaned his cheek atop of Remus' head, and led his cephy's arms until they were wrapped around his waist. And as Remus panicked internally, so did Logan. The position they were in made his own anxiety worsen because he realized that this could vanish in an instant. What if he _was_ caught for the crime and taken away? Who would take care of Remus then? He tried not to let himself panic over something that hasn’t happened yet, and forced his focus onto the food order on Remus’ phone.   
He prepared to say, “This all looks good, baby. I’m really hungry too.” But then Remus started rambling about not wanting him to leave and actually wishing he would move in. Logan knew that Remus was acting in a rather desperate way, and he could tell Remus’ anxiety was overloading him, so he didn't mind Remus' clingy nature right now. It might be a bit soon to move in with each other in other circumstances, but right now Remus had let Logan in, and he was scared to lose him. It made sense and Logan wasn't going to fault him for feeling so insecure on his own. But he did need Remus to calm down. 

All he had to say was yes, and gently comb his hair aside for now. And then perhaps in the upcoming weeks they could go to therapy for Remus and help him realize that he doesn't need Logan as much as his mind is telling him he does right now. But then Remus mentioned not fighting him if he wanted to take him to bed and Logan just about puked. 

His jaw set again as he looked into Remus' teary eyes, trying in vain not to look upset. He didn’t know what his face looked like though because the rage inside him was cresting once again. In that moment he _knew_ he'd made the right decision regarding Janus. Logan didn’t know if what he was suggesting is what Remus hadn’t been able to talk about before or not, but he had a pretty good guess that's what it was. 

The way he worded ‘taking him to bed without a fight’ made his mind dip right into the darkest places. Logan spoke as evenly as he could, knowing that any 'bad' tone in his voice would cause Remus to assume he was the one he was upset with. Logan wasn’t mad at Remus, he was pissed at what had happened to him. It killed him inside that this has already happened and he couldn't prevent it.

“Remus… I… thank you.” He managed to start with. “I was actually going to tell you that, yes, I was looking for a place to live now that Patton and I are separated. But are you sure that you want me to live with you? I don’t want you to feel like you need to change your routine just to accommodate me living here. You don’t have to clean and cook for me- In fact, I’d prefer if we could share the chores if we were to live together so tha we could both do things for each other. Perhaps one night I could cook for you, and the next you could cook for me. That would be nice. But only if _you’re_ comfortable with the thought of me living here.” 

He swallowed down his indignation and took a second to pause. “Remus... darling, when you say that I may 'take you to bed whenever I want and you won’t put up a fight'... where is that coming from? Because half an hour ago downstairs you told me you didn’t want to sleep with me tonight, and I said you didn’t have to feel obligated to have sex with me, ever. I want you to be healthy, and happy, and to trust me enough that when we have sex that you actually _want_ it! Not out of some sort of obligation or- or fear that I might leave you if you don’t! I _never_ want to force myself on you, unknowingly or not. Remus. Baby, please, don’t feel like you need to give me your body to keep me happy. You already do that just the way you are, and you are enough for me just like this. Ree... I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving you. I just want you to feel _safe_. I’m not…"

Logan's voice breaks and he sighs loudly. "I’m not Janus!”

Remus had fucked up.

He knew that the moment he had spoken and saw Logan’s eyes turn into broiling flames. His heart stopped cold inside his chest and his entire body froze with it. He couldn’t run. He couldn’t escape. He couldn’t apologize and pray to make things right. All he could do was sit still like a stupid doll in Logan’s lap and wait for his offer to be turned down because he was too needy, or too gross to live with, or not enough to bother with. As a small side note though... sadly what he implied isn’t even what he had meant when he said he hadn’t wanted to talk about it earlier. What he meant was still worse somehow. But he really couldn’t bring himself to admit that right now. He’s sure he’d have a panic attack and pass out, or maybe he'd just die. 

He expected disgust or anger, but Logan spoke so sweetly to him about not forcing himself into Remus' space if Remus wasn't ready. He could've told him he made the right choice by offering his apartment and services to him, like Janus would have done. To Janus, Remus owed him everything, and if he didn't offer everything he had to him, then he was in the wrong.

So Logan... Logan really did care. And the way he spoke about... _that_ made Remus’ guts twist about inside him into he was nauseous. Especially those last few words. Remus gasped and held Logan’s teary face in his hands. The normal Remus came back for a moment. The Remus that was fierce, proud and stubborn as all hell as he stared into Logan’s eyes with a cute pout. “A’ _course_ ya ain’t him— Janus was _awful_. You’re amazin’, LoLo. You’ve neva’ forced me inta sex with you a’for,e so please don’ think ya have. I jus’... I thought tha’ maybe it was cauz we weren’t datin’ a'fore now, so things would be d-differen’ now tha' I belong ta you.” He lets go of his face as his eyes soften back into fragile glass, but slightly more sturdy now as he keeps up the eye contact with Logan and holds his hand in a way that allows for his thumb to brush soothingly over Logan’s knuckles. “But... ya ain’t like him a' all. You’re sweet an’ kind an' forgivin'... you care ‘bout me an' I see it in ya eyes every time you look a' me. Ya don’ make me scared a-an’ you even got rid a’ Jan for me! I— You make me feel safer than I have in almost 3 years now.” He confesses softly before offering him a small, sad smile and then pressing a kiss to Logan’s lips. 

“I- I’m sorry. For assumin’ how things will be with you, an' for worryin' they would be the way things were with him. There were so m-many rules. So many ways I c-could screw up an’ the punishments... they always hurt so much. I’m scared c-cons-constantly a’cause a' him. But ya ain’t like him a' all. I love you, Lo. For real. A-An’ I know it’ll take a while for me ta a’memba’ ya ain’t g-gonna do the things he did, but I still wanna try this with you. Try s-somethin’ new. Sharin’ chores an’ bein’ all cutesy an’ domestic by tradin’ cookin’ days~” Remus sighs wistfully and smiles genuinely to Logan. “M-Maybe we can talk ‘bout the rules now? So I know wha’ not ta do? I promise ta be a hund’ed percent honest! An’ I really do wan’cha ta stay...” He trails off and blushes. Remus bites his lip before pecking Logan's lips again, for just a little bit longer this time. “Ta be honest, I’ve wanted ta wake up in bed with you every mornin' for a long time. You're like my wish on a star, Starlight. You’re my dream come true.”

**Author's Note:**

> P. S. The song at the end of Chapter One is a parody of “Someone Else” by the band SayWeCanFly. It’s pretty nice 👌 you should listen to it, not only does it help set the mood, but it’s also just a fucking awesome song.


End file.
